Giving = Happiness

Monday 24 May 2010
Today's lesson is about happiness. i used to think that happiness is something that i should search for, and i used to believe that it will come when i push myself to find it. it has to be created, if i was unhappy so there wasn't any happiness around.That is what i believed, but now i believe on "other happiness".
I listened to my radio (cellphone's radio) and i listened to my fav station, Suara Surabaya FM 100 (check this one, recommended). There's a feature called "Titik Nol" where a speaker, usually well-known people of many different field of expertise, talks in a wise nobble voise about good motivational things, mostly are inspirational ones. What i heard today from a man whose name is already forgotten by me is that "Kita hidup dari apa yang kita dapatkan tetapi kita bahagia dari apa yang kita berikan." "We live by what we earn but we are happy by what we give" he quote this from Churchill.
This is the first time in my life someone told me that happiness is not something that you can find, but you get it by what you give to others. When we're driving in rush but we stop our car to let the pedestrian crosses the street, this is an example of what the speakers told me on the radio, this is happiness. OK, it should be happiness when i let a pedestrian to cross the street, i give him/her something...
Allright then, so happiness is a matter of giving. When we give then we should be so happy, happier than when we don't give any,
And today thought me something. When i wanted to go out to buy some meals for my breakfast i saw an old lady sitting in front of my boarding house's gate. i was bit surprised since no one ever sit on the ground in front of the gate before. i thought the lady was exhausted and need to rest for a while because her appearance look fine though i know she's not wealthy enough. i decided to wait for her for a few minutes, while waiting i looked at her from the window. I can see that's she's so old and skinny, she was sitting while counted her money. i saw several thousand of rupiahs, she tried to fix the wrinkled paper money. Then she tried to search in her other small fabric bag. She drooped some coins. At that time i realized she's a beggar. Then she was sitting and drank a cup of water.
I went inside my boarding house to get some money to buy the food. Coz i was so hungry i intended to asked the lady to move a bit because i couldn't open the gate. Then i asked her in my very polite way, in a simple javanese sentence "Ma'am.." she didn't hear anythiong till i repeated three times. "Ma'am, excuse me i need to go out."
She was a bit surprised and when she looked at me, i looked at her directly in her eyes and i saw a very old lady in misery. It might be my own interpretation since i don't know how miserable she is. But from her eyes i just took a pity on her.
I thought about my 5000 rupiah in my hand but i thought i would give her later after i bought the meal. She suddenly got up and she dropped two coins. i just walked and passed her and closed the gate.
When i was in a warung to get the meal i realized how cruel i was. I had almost 15000 in my hand and i was going to spent them for meal while the old lady i met might be starving and she must be so tired walking and begging. But i also quite sure that she might have been gone when i got back to my boarding house. And, i was right..she's not there. i knew it coz i just felt that she might think she's been asked to move away coz she's blocking the gate.
I don't know why but i felt so guilty. i supposed to help her. Don't care whether begging is not good, but i just remember the way she looked at me..i would never forget her eyes...i was so so stupid. I felt my throat chocked and i wanna cry when i re,ember her eyes, even now when i'm typing this.
There are 3 lessons i learned today:
1. You don't looking for happiness, happiness is out there no need to find it.
2. Get the happiness as many as you can by giving others.
3. If you wanna help someone never think twice, just never think twice